My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
