I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
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I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
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The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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