Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
