Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
