Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
