I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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