can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
