So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
