chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
