If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Randomize
