Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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