I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
