i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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