just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Randomize
