I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Are we still banned from the library?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
