I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
