I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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