making cat noises will not fix the situation.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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