Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
