I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
