if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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