Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
