There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Success! We fucked roommates!
Randomize
