I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
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