Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Randomize
