I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize