for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
