Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
