Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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