i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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