I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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