It was confusing and full of hummus
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
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