Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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