Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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