I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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