You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
