I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
