Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
this hospital has no fireball
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
