dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
