I'm drive I can fine osifer
I think im going to throw up on grandma
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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