see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
