If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
