The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
