Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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