maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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