there's paper in my vomit.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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