The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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