i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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