porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
