dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
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