No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
You did what with his pubic hair?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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