if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
