I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
