if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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