His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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