you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
