I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
