I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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