my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
